I'm back baby.
back !
(imagine me shouting)
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Monday, September 12, 2011
A Moment of Reflection
There are times when you are left alone with your thoughts. I guess that is what I mean. Those moments when you are lying in your bed at 4 am and cannot fall back to sleep. Those moments in the shower where you gaze into the porcelain wall for what seems like an eternity. You're reading a book and your mind is set adrift, not about what you are reading but of something else and you find yourself at the bottom of the page not remembering anything you've read. If you've met me before then you know those moments when I stare off into a place unknown.
It's amazing what can spark a memory. Tying your shoes, a song, a meal, the way a beam of light peaks through the curtains. I've been struggling with a lot of these moments as of late. I don't know what they mean. I'd like to think that my time here is improving. I am gaining momentum, friends and opportunities. Maybe since things are improving nicely, when things go a bit sour the fall seems a bit more drastic. It is very possible that I am over analyzing. It is very possible that I am not allowing myself to be happy.
No, that cannot be it. I am a relatively happy guy with little to complain about. I think my father worries that I worry too much about the slow pace of progress in my life. I do worry. I worry often. But I try to tell myself that any progress is good progress. I think I am making progress and a progress I am growing more and more comfortable with.
With this progress I wonder what I could have done differently. I wonder what I could have done differently a year ago, 6 months ago, a week ago and yesterday? I wonder what it be like if my good friend, Rick hadn't left me here on my own? I wonder what it would have been like if I came here when I originally hoped at 25? I wonder if i would have even survived? I wonder what it be like if i lived in this part of town or that part of town? If made this friend, talked to that person, cut my hair, worked harder or worked less, went to that party, took this risk or that risk, made a leap of faith or invested trust in something or someone, or just simply stayed back home?
Don't get me wrong I am happy to be in LA but to deny these moments of reflection would simply poison a central part of me. To deny an errors or regret would be as harmful as neglecting the moments you are proud of. You learn from the bad as much as the good. Right now my mind is trying to teach me something I just don't know what.
It's amazing what can spark a memory. Tying your shoes, a song, a meal, the way a beam of light peaks through the curtains. I've been struggling with a lot of these moments as of late. I don't know what they mean. I'd like to think that my time here is improving. I am gaining momentum, friends and opportunities. Maybe since things are improving nicely, when things go a bit sour the fall seems a bit more drastic. It is very possible that I am over analyzing. It is very possible that I am not allowing myself to be happy.
No, that cannot be it. I am a relatively happy guy with little to complain about. I think my father worries that I worry too much about the slow pace of progress in my life. I do worry. I worry often. But I try to tell myself that any progress is good progress. I think I am making progress and a progress I am growing more and more comfortable with.
With this progress I wonder what I could have done differently. I wonder what I could have done differently a year ago, 6 months ago, a week ago and yesterday? I wonder what it be like if my good friend, Rick hadn't left me here on my own? I wonder what it would have been like if I came here when I originally hoped at 25? I wonder if i would have even survived? I wonder what it be like if i lived in this part of town or that part of town? If made this friend, talked to that person, cut my hair, worked harder or worked less, went to that party, took this risk or that risk, made a leap of faith or invested trust in something or someone, or just simply stayed back home?
Don't get me wrong I am happy to be in LA but to deny these moments of reflection would simply poison a central part of me. To deny an errors or regret would be as harmful as neglecting the moments you are proud of. You learn from the bad as much as the good. Right now my mind is trying to teach me something I just don't know what.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Change?
So some inquiring minds often wonder what I am like these days?
Not, what I am doing with myself or what is going on but what I am like...?
As if, I have suddenly changed. Or Maybe not so sudden? I suppose it is possible. A move, a shift to the west coast might change a guy. I'm still relatively young and impressionable. I can be swayed, influenced, manipulated and coerced into various situations, both positive and/or negative creating a change, twist or slightly altered self.
Have I changed? I don't think so. I still feel like me but that is a really dumb statement. I have not become rude like a fair amount of Los Angelinos. I don't throw money to the poor sales clerks at my local pizza shop. I also don't talk on my cell phone when I place my order. I still open doors for people and say thank you when it is done for me. I try to smile and be polite and don't offer a meaningless apology when I do otherwise.
Have I changed? So far, I don't think so. I have not adapted to California pizza. I don't like In-N-Out Burger. I don't surf. Despite a promising love affair with the Dodgers, I have not converted to liking any LA sports teams and that includes the Lakers. I don't wear black all the time and I have not perfected the five o'clock shadow from yesterday, for today. I don't own Ray-Bans. I still use my turning signals while driving. LA people like to try to get into elevators before you or anyone else in the elevator gets out. I still enjoys zoos and hats. I also find it a bit odd when restaurants and bars have out door heaters when it hits a temperature below 70 degrees. Maybe that is the Midwest in me that is still telling me 65 degrees is not cold.
Los Angelites also tend to say a lot and back up very little. They want to get to know you, work with you or hang out with you or at least they say they do but a lot of times such things never happen. I understand what Chili Palmer went thru in the film Get Shorty. I say what I mean. Far too many in this town sugar coat, bullshit or simply lie and then insincerely apologize afterwards.
All of this kind of stuff sounds like LA bashing but I have met plenty of good people in LA. A large percentage of the time they are from somewhere else but beware, when you come to LA, it can change you.
Maybe I haven't changed or maybe I don't want to think of myself that way. I still have a desire to buy more music and movies than I can afford. Thankfully, I don't. I still kill any plant I buy. I'm trying hard not to. Stupid Orchids. I still root for my Midwest and east coast sports teams (Go Browns, Buckeyes and Red Sox!). While dancing to my own tune, I still play too many air instruments in public. I still try to maintain my shape and fitness. I have started to wear Top-Siders but will not let go of my various Chuck Taylors. I still enjoys zoos, hats and useless information. Thankfully, I live by one of the few Wendy's in this town and I cannot resist a spicy chicken sandwich from time to time. My hand writing is still a bit messy and I don't read as much as I should but I still buy books in the pursuit to look smart.
Sure, there are a lot of things that haven't changed like my fear of almost anything or my over excitement for childish type things. I haven't gotten taller and I haven't purchased a new nose. I don't have a tattoo, yet, but since everyone here has a tattoo my desire for one has somewhat faded.
So with 6 months into this trip, I guess I haven't changed much but maybe just evolved into a cooler, sexier, more talented, crime fighting, lady loving man. I've also become quite good at using a thesaurus and exaggeration, some might call it hyperbole.
Not, what I am doing with myself or what is going on but what I am like...?
As if, I have suddenly changed. Or Maybe not so sudden? I suppose it is possible. A move, a shift to the west coast might change a guy. I'm still relatively young and impressionable. I can be swayed, influenced, manipulated and coerced into various situations, both positive and/or negative creating a change, twist or slightly altered self.
Have I changed? I don't think so. I still feel like me but that is a really dumb statement. I have not become rude like a fair amount of Los Angelinos. I don't throw money to the poor sales clerks at my local pizza shop. I also don't talk on my cell phone when I place my order. I still open doors for people and say thank you when it is done for me. I try to smile and be polite and don't offer a meaningless apology when I do otherwise.
Have I changed? So far, I don't think so. I have not adapted to California pizza. I don't like In-N-Out Burger. I don't surf. Despite a promising love affair with the Dodgers, I have not converted to liking any LA sports teams and that includes the Lakers. I don't wear black all the time and I have not perfected the five o'clock shadow from yesterday, for today. I don't own Ray-Bans. I still use my turning signals while driving. LA people like to try to get into elevators before you or anyone else in the elevator gets out. I still enjoys zoos and hats. I also find it a bit odd when restaurants and bars have out door heaters when it hits a temperature below 70 degrees. Maybe that is the Midwest in me that is still telling me 65 degrees is not cold.
Los Angelites also tend to say a lot and back up very little. They want to get to know you, work with you or hang out with you or at least they say they do but a lot of times such things never happen. I understand what Chili Palmer went thru in the film Get Shorty. I say what I mean. Far too many in this town sugar coat, bullshit or simply lie and then insincerely apologize afterwards.
All of this kind of stuff sounds like LA bashing but I have met plenty of good people in LA. A large percentage of the time they are from somewhere else but beware, when you come to LA, it can change you.
Maybe I haven't changed or maybe I don't want to think of myself that way. I still have a desire to buy more music and movies than I can afford. Thankfully, I don't. I still kill any plant I buy. I'm trying hard not to. Stupid Orchids. I still root for my Midwest and east coast sports teams (Go Browns, Buckeyes and Red Sox!). While dancing to my own tune, I still play too many air instruments in public. I still try to maintain my shape and fitness. I have started to wear Top-Siders but will not let go of my various Chuck Taylors. I still enjoys zoos, hats and useless information. Thankfully, I live by one of the few Wendy's in this town and I cannot resist a spicy chicken sandwich from time to time. My hand writing is still a bit messy and I don't read as much as I should but I still buy books in the pursuit to look smart.
Sure, there are a lot of things that haven't changed like my fear of almost anything or my over excitement for childish type things. I haven't gotten taller and I haven't purchased a new nose. I don't have a tattoo, yet, but since everyone here has a tattoo my desire for one has somewhat faded.
So with 6 months into this trip, I guess I haven't changed much but maybe just evolved into a cooler, sexier, more talented, crime fighting, lady loving man. I've also become quite good at using a thesaurus and exaggeration, some might call it hyperbole.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Going Home
So a couple of weeks ago I went home. I moved to LA in mid February and was returning home for the first time to attend a wedding as well spend time with family and friends.
It was interesting to come home. In fairness this isn't my first time returning home after leaving it. I've lived other places than Cleveland, Ohio. I left as a teenager. I left for college. I left to pursue love. Now I'm simply gone. I left for me and tomorrow.
Going home is interesting and not at the same time. It is interesting to see old faces and encounter the changes that have occurred in your absence. It is fun and arrogant to think that the result of certain changes were due to my departure. A town in shambles, a people longing for my return are all self satisfying fantasies that are not true but I think most of us somewhat wish it were just a little true when we go off to see what is beyond the horizon.
In truth, Cleveland and the small suburb I grew up in are very much still the same. Visiting my family and friends while on vacation unfortunately becomes something centered on recalling old memories rather than creating new ones, catching up on lost time and dishing out plans for the future. At times it feels like a progress report. A memo to remind people that you've left, you've done this and that, and what may come up. Sad to say going home wasn't as enlightening as I'd hope.
I cannot count how many times I had to explain the move, what it was like in LA, or what I was doing with myself on the west coast. Unfortunately, not everyone I know reads this blog. So sad.
I loved seeing my friends and family. I had fun. I had fun in ways I had yet to discover in Los Angeles. I had been reminded of what I had been missing the previous five months. A part of me still longs for that life. But it takes time to make friends. There is work involved and a bit of patience to make good friends.
My trip also reminded me that with great friends and loving family, there is no recap or loss of momentum. Not seeing my close friends and family for months had no effect on our relationship. Five minutes after a quick 'hello, how do ya do?' it was as if nothing had ever changed. You pick up where you left off until a moment arises when you think to yourself, gosh I've missed this. I've really missed my friends and family. That notion led some to believe that I wouldn't want to leave. They were wrong.
Despite those tender sentiments by the end of my trip I was longing to return home. Not back home because Ohio will always be my hometown but it's not my current residence. I enjoy my life in Ohio but it is not the life I want to have. I may not have all the pieces to the puzzle. There are several thousand pieces to this puzzle and all of them came without a box to guide me. With any large puzzle certain pieces are bound to wind up missing underneath the rug or couch. Some bent or some not fitting quite right because they were forced into an incorrect slot at an earlier date. All i have to do is keep arranging them to create the picture I'd like to hang over my fireplace. Right now, I enjoy piecing together the puzzle.
It was interesting to come home. In fairness this isn't my first time returning home after leaving it. I've lived other places than Cleveland, Ohio. I left as a teenager. I left for college. I left to pursue love. Now I'm simply gone. I left for me and tomorrow.
Going home is interesting and not at the same time. It is interesting to see old faces and encounter the changes that have occurred in your absence. It is fun and arrogant to think that the result of certain changes were due to my departure. A town in shambles, a people longing for my return are all self satisfying fantasies that are not true but I think most of us somewhat wish it were just a little true when we go off to see what is beyond the horizon.
In truth, Cleveland and the small suburb I grew up in are very much still the same. Visiting my family and friends while on vacation unfortunately becomes something centered on recalling old memories rather than creating new ones, catching up on lost time and dishing out plans for the future. At times it feels like a progress report. A memo to remind people that you've left, you've done this and that, and what may come up. Sad to say going home wasn't as enlightening as I'd hope.
I cannot count how many times I had to explain the move, what it was like in LA, or what I was doing with myself on the west coast. Unfortunately, not everyone I know reads this blog. So sad.
I loved seeing my friends and family. I had fun. I had fun in ways I had yet to discover in Los Angeles. I had been reminded of what I had been missing the previous five months. A part of me still longs for that life. But it takes time to make friends. There is work involved and a bit of patience to make good friends.
My trip also reminded me that with great friends and loving family, there is no recap or loss of momentum. Not seeing my close friends and family for months had no effect on our relationship. Five minutes after a quick 'hello, how do ya do?' it was as if nothing had ever changed. You pick up where you left off until a moment arises when you think to yourself, gosh I've missed this. I've really missed my friends and family. That notion led some to believe that I wouldn't want to leave. They were wrong.
Despite those tender sentiments by the end of my trip I was longing to return home. Not back home because Ohio will always be my hometown but it's not my current residence. I enjoy my life in Ohio but it is not the life I want to have. I may not have all the pieces to the puzzle. There are several thousand pieces to this puzzle and all of them came without a box to guide me. With any large puzzle certain pieces are bound to wind up missing underneath the rug or couch. Some bent or some not fitting quite right because they were forced into an incorrect slot at an earlier date. All i have to do is keep arranging them to create the picture I'd like to hang over my fireplace. Right now, I enjoy piecing together the puzzle.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Writing.
I haven't been writing in this blog as much as one would like. The one would be me. I have sort of hit a wall. If I knew the components to building a solid fortifying wall I would go on and on about this wall that is not safe guarding my creativity but keeping my creativity from escaping.
I like to imagine the wall has layers like a Dairy Queen ice cream cake that happens to be 72 feet high. That's a lot of cake. For looks we can add a moat. The wall is high and dangerous. I think I'll find myself a twelve year old with a vivid imagination and an obsession with Lord of the Rings to help me with my wall construction.
I haven't been writing here because I don't have too much to report. I feel that maybe I should put myself in more adventurous situations. Maybe I haven't been writing in my blogs because I have been stressed with my own writing. I moved to LA to write.
I am trying to write a script. I know. I know. Such a cliche. young stud(?) comes to LA from small town, nowhere USA and wants to write, live and die. I guess it could be worse. I could be an actor. So I am writing a script. Is it Sunset Boulevard or Hiroshima Mon Amour? Not exactly. Megh, it's not even close. But I've been stuck. One scene that has been rewritten more times than I have fingers and it still stinks. I haven't been able to figure it out and because of that I have ever growing doubts. Cliche strikes again! Another writer unsure of his abilities is the story of my life. Well, I'd rather be that guy than the arrogant prick who writes for the sake of some self serving prophecy.
Some days I stare at my computer like the girl at the bar I know I cannot get. If you know me that means I'm sitting at the bar with no intention to go up to that girl and even try. Cowardly? Yes but even worse, it's unproductive. I have felt uninspired. I might as well have be typing with a piano.
I don't need blocks. I have my fair share of distractions, frustrations and confrontations to handle. This blog entry alone is just an excuse to exercise certain demons. I am writing today. I will write tomorrow. I will write on Tuesday. No time for excuses and running low on time for results.
I vented. thanks blog. Off this crazy thing called love and onto the next topic.
Monday, June 6, 2011
It's been a month. I'm still alive.
So I noticed about a week ago that it had been 3 weeks since I have posted anything on this blog. Shame on me. I don't want all my adoring fans (I'm thinking 14) to miss out on my adventures. It's not that I am lacking ideas just working on other things in my life.
So a quick update. Still working, at home, at coffee shop and picked up a second gig moving furniture for the month of June. The plot to turn my normal body into a sexy one is still stuck in the second act. I went to Hawaii with my father. It was fabulous. A much needed vacation (debatable) with much needed time spent with family (not debatable). Thanks pap.
I got a ukulele. I hear all the chicks love guys who play ukulele. Why else would lead singer of Pearl Jam, Eddie Vedder release an album of music featuring the ukulele? If ukulele becomes the hottest thing of the 2011 summer and I get no love from it, I'll be super pissed. So far, I would say I am better at ukulele than guitar. It has taken me years to become less than mediocre at guitar while it has only taken me about a month to learn most of the songs I already know on guitar. By the by, I'm not being modest when I claim to be less than mediocre at guitar. I can only play about a dozen songs, most of them less than four chords.
I've been writing a lot. You might not be able to tell by this blog but I am. I even took the time to write my first poems in about 3 years. Oh yes, back to writing love lusting poetry fit for high school teensters... that's me! Also made another failed attempt at reading Camus and contemplating revisiting Moby Dick for some reason. It might be because I'm reading The Whale: In Search Of Giants of the Sea by Phillip Hoare. I don't know, I'm so good at barely reading that it seems silly to push myself? (please note sarcasm) I really should read more things other than music and movie reviews, blogs and the occasional newspaper.
What else?
Other than trying to turn my apartment into a home, becoming more familiar with the LA landscape, making new friends and drinking a fair amount of cocktails, not much is new. No new revelations about life other than I might take an acting class in the fall. I am toying with the idea because everyone insists I should. Is it sad that the only reason I am hesitant to act is that I don't want to become an LA cliche? Oh well.
till next time
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Networking.
Networking. Meeting People. Making connections. Getting phone numbers and planning meetings. Parties. Networking. Golf outings and cook outs. Dinner with drinks afterwards. Business propositions. Networking. Smiles, sometimes genuine, sometimes not. Similar situation involving laughter. Networking. Hand shakes, high fives, thumbs up and fingers used for imaginary shootouts. Networking. How do you do's? What do you do? What are you going to do? What can you do for me? Networking.
I think you get the idea. I have moved to a place where I know no one and have little to no idea of how to do, what I want to do. So, I network. I have never ever networked before. I don't know what I am doing. I don't know how to meet people or make connections. I don't belong to country clubs or have passes to hot night clubs. I'll stop mentioning all the things I don't have.
I knew networking was involved. I knew networking was an involved process where the level of commitment can effect the type of result. I know networking can help me get to where I want to go.
I am a shy guy. I can be loud, zany, and quite comical but that is for show. I am a shy guy who is uncomfortable with myself much of the time. I cringe at trying to meet girls. I find it hard to make new friends. I am not your brochacho and I am not your sexual fantasy. I keep to myself much of the time. Networking is a daunting challenge for me. I am so good at being alone and doing things on my own that the greatest challenge in moving to California is not the move, or leaving my friends and family, or even finding a job but having to network.
A week ago I went to a party. It was fun. Industry people were in attendance. I knew 2 people attending and my knowledge of them was an hour spent with them previously at a cookout two weeks prior. So I was a lone wolf. I met people but didn't really get to know anyone. I left the party as I entered the party, a lone wolf. Side note - I think this "lone wolf" thing would sound cooler coming from someone else. I don't know if I made contacts but I told my story and heard others. Got some advice and shared my opinions. I was nervous but I pulled through. What happens next? I have no idea but hopefully something.
Yes I know. It's sort of big baby thing to cry about but come on, cut me some slack. It's a hard thing to do when you've never been comfortable with who you are and you need people to like you. Absurd as it may seem, this is who I am and I know who I want to be so sacrifices to my comfort level will just have to be made for the sake of my hopes, dreams and ambitions.
till next time.
I think you get the idea. I have moved to a place where I know no one and have little to no idea of how to do, what I want to do. So, I network. I have never ever networked before. I don't know what I am doing. I don't know how to meet people or make connections. I don't belong to country clubs or have passes to hot night clubs. I'll stop mentioning all the things I don't have.
I knew networking was involved. I knew networking was an involved process where the level of commitment can effect the type of result. I know networking can help me get to where I want to go.
I am a shy guy. I can be loud, zany, and quite comical but that is for show. I am a shy guy who is uncomfortable with myself much of the time. I cringe at trying to meet girls. I find it hard to make new friends. I am not your brochacho and I am not your sexual fantasy. I keep to myself much of the time. Networking is a daunting challenge for me. I am so good at being alone and doing things on my own that the greatest challenge in moving to California is not the move, or leaving my friends and family, or even finding a job but having to network.
A week ago I went to a party. It was fun. Industry people were in attendance. I knew 2 people attending and my knowledge of them was an hour spent with them previously at a cookout two weeks prior. So I was a lone wolf. I met people but didn't really get to know anyone. I left the party as I entered the party, a lone wolf. Side note - I think this "lone wolf" thing would sound cooler coming from someone else. I don't know if I made contacts but I told my story and heard others. Got some advice and shared my opinions. I was nervous but I pulled through. What happens next? I have no idea but hopefully something.
Yes I know. It's sort of big baby thing to cry about but come on, cut me some slack. It's a hard thing to do when you've never been comfortable with who you are and you need people to like you. Absurd as it may seem, this is who I am and I know who I want to be so sacrifices to my comfort level will just have to be made for the sake of my hopes, dreams and ambitions.
till next time.
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