Am I an Actor ?

Am I an actor ?

My immediate response was no. The response days later is still no. Then I got to thinking. Am I an actor?

I have been asked if I was or am an actor several times in the past week. People at work see me, hear me, meet me and ask me if I am an actor. No one ever asked me this in Ohio. In LA, people ask me this 3 times a week. I asked one gentleman why he asked me such a question and he explained that it seemed obvious since according to him, I had a, "fearless social quality." I wish that were true. My friend Diana suggested it was a compliment, a great compliment. I have a hard time accepting it because I know it's not true or at least I do not see myself having a, "fearless social quality."

Am I an actor? At this moment no. Am I acting? Do I act? Have I acted? No, not really, yes would the answers to those questions. I am not currently acting or working in the acting field. I do act from time to time in a way, the way that involves the masks that each of us wear in social circumstances, situations, blah, blah blah and all that bullshit. I use to act in high school. Yeah, I was in high school theatre productions and drama club. I was deeply into it and I was not very good. Crap, I sucked. I was never a good actor in high school. The lack of roles and the size of the few roles I had been given indicate the talent I had.

In high school I was an awkward kid who thought drama and theatre would allow me to break out of my shell. It did not work. I do not know when I broke out of my shell but it was not in high school nor was it due to acting. Sure, I told myself 10 or 12 years ago that I did not care what others thought or that I can act. In truth, I, like so many other high schoolers constantly cared what others thought and I could not act.

I stopped acting before college. I didn't have the courage, the stomach for the stage, or the ability to withstand the constant rejection that would come with audition after audition. I could not stand to hear people tell me that I don't have the right nose, wrong hair color, a nasally voice, too short, too tall, big footed, not expressive enough, too quiet, can't really sing or dance, too robotic, not natural, not good looking or not distinctive enough to act. I thought this for a long time and long ago abandoned the notion that I could ever act or be an actor.

All it takes is a handful of strangers to ask, "Are you an actor?" and the notion floats in and out of my mind like Armada ships at an old Spanish navy port in 1588. Could I act? Should I try? What caused this change? Why and where do people see this fearlessness in my personality when all I see when looking at a mirror is a boy masking fear, paranoia and disappointment? Woah, that got a little deep there, Sorry. When did I stop caring what others think? That's not true. I never stopped caring what others think. Just ask me if I care when another girl or another job rejects me. I care. It hurts. Despite all of this, maybe I should say next time someone asks, "Are you an actor?" I should simply smile and respond, "No, but I'd give it a try."

You never know. oh well, till next time.