There are times when you are left alone with your thoughts. I guess that is what I mean. Those moments when you are lying in your bed at 4 am and cannot fall back to sleep. Those moments in the shower where you gaze into the porcelain wall for what seems like an eternity. You're reading a book and your mind is set adrift, not about what you are reading but of something else and you find yourself at the bottom of the page not remembering anything you've read. If you've met me before then you know those moments when I stare off into a place unknown.
It's amazing what can spark a memory. Tying your shoes, a song, a meal, the way a beam of light peaks through the curtains. I've been struggling with a lot of these moments as of late. I don't know what they mean. I'd like to think that my time here is improving. I am gaining momentum, friends and opportunities. Maybe since things are improving nicely, when things go a bit sour the fall seems a bit more drastic. It is very possible that I am over analyzing. It is very possible that I am not allowing myself to be happy.
No, that cannot be it. I am a relatively happy guy with little to complain about. I think my father worries that I worry too much about the slow pace of progress in my life. I do worry. I worry often. But I try to tell myself that any progress is good progress. I think I am making progress and a progress I am growing more and more comfortable with.
With this progress I wonder what I could have done differently. I wonder what I could have done differently a year ago, 6 months ago, a week ago and yesterday? I wonder what it be like if my good friend, Rick hadn't left me here on my own? I wonder what it would have been like if I came here when I originally hoped at 25? I wonder if i would have even survived? I wonder what it be like if i lived in this part of town or that part of town? If made this friend, talked to that person, cut my hair, worked harder or worked less, went to that party, took this risk or that risk, made a leap of faith or invested trust in something or someone, or just simply stayed back home?
Don't get me wrong I am happy to be in LA but to deny these moments of reflection would simply poison a central part of me. To deny an errors or regret would be as harmful as neglecting the moments you are proud of. You learn from the bad as much as the good. Right now my mind is trying to teach me something I just don't know what.
